


A note of my fucked up life.

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Child Abuse, Depression, Help, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:47:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29013789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Just a note I have decided to make public.Please do not read if you are easily upset or depressed. I am seeking a way to let go so I am going to immediately Orphan this. You aren't me, you aren't broken. Don't read this, and if you do please for F sake seek help if u need it.Not for the weak of mind. Again please do not read if you are easily upset or depressed.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	A note of my fucked up life.

**Author's Note:**

> If you need help please seek it out. This is my way of, I'm not sure releasing my pain? Making others witness it? I don't know, and I guess I don't care anymore.
> 
> Just please for my own mental health, or whats left of it, don't hurt yourself or others. The world doesn't need anymore monsters, or death. And I'm sure there is some part of you that is a good, and decent person. That deserves the universe. And light, and beautiful perfection.
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Hotline 
> 
> 800-273-8255
> 
> They are always there for you.

I'm 90% sure my brother molested me as a kid, and I suppressed it for years. It started to surface in my twenties, and I thought it was my father at first because the memories where very blurry and physically painful to remember. But then my brother was committed after confessing to being a child molester in his twenties. They couldn't find anything and released him, I'm 100% sure he didn't tell them it was me (ie he was vague). Since then I've started to remember more but don't want to, my nightmares are worse and worse.

Looking back I think this was one of the main reasons I was so fucked up as a kid, and a teen. I was very sexually confused, And acted like a Hypersexual monster. I have been addicted to porn since before puberty. But now I'm sure something is wrong with me since the first crack in my repression, I have become less and less sexual, to the point where masterbation is a chore I barely do. And I've lost most if not all interest in sex. I have always been antisocial or at least I thought so, but looking back, I have only really been antisocial since after as I had many friends I enjoyed hanging out with as a kid. But now I find human interaction tiresome, and off like I'm an alien trying to interact with a strange species. I think this is why I have had panic attacks when interacting with others, and feel like I don't know how to act.

I also abused Several family pets as a child, and enjoyed killing small animals like mice and fish. I don't know why but, I think maybe I felt some kind of sick catharsis from the act. I have also felt sick desires that as a child I thought was normal and convinced myself they where, they weren't. I am now very glad, I never actually acted on them. ALL I want now is to stop the suicide fantasies I now have, as well as the murder fantasies.

I still live at my parents house, despite the fact I'm in my mid twenties. He moved back in after his mental breakdown. And sleeps in a room right across from me. The memories won't stop, but I just want them to. I still love my brother, but I dream of murdering him every day. Help.

Work has been impossible, I have done nothing for the last year and a half except stay at home. Alcohol and marijuana, don't help. And I don't now how to become a functioning person anymore. I know I need help, psychiatric help, and now I know why my mother asked me multiple times as a child If my brother ever molested me, and why for some fucking reason I could never forget that question.

I can't betray my blood, and turn him in. He is my brother. I can't kill myself, because if there is a hell I am going there. And If I kill him, my mother would cry, and hate me for the rest of my life. I am but the shell of a human, a limp, dead vessel of nothing. My life is a meaningless waste. And on some level thats fucking funny. Writing this has helped I can smile again.

I do wonder if I'll be impotent for the rest of my life. But I guess their is viagra. If I can ever convince myself to date again. I think I need help, and that is one of the main reasons I'm posting this. But at the same time I hope others aren't as weak as me. If you've need help you should seek out the proper individuals, be they psychiatric or authoritative (Police).

I have nothing else to say. 

\- Nobody worth mentioning

**Author's Note:**

> National Suicide Prevention Hotline 
> 
> 800-273-8255
> 
> They are always there for you.
> 
> I don't want there to be anymore pain, so please if you need help call. You can be a better person, then me. Seek help.


End file.
